


You're Not Going Crazy

by thatonelucky



Category: Jetty - Fandom, Riverdale - Fandom, bughead - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 10:34:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13005939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatonelucky/pseuds/thatonelucky
Summary: Betty Cooper was a shy girl with a rocky reputation. Being on the South Side was tough, no male was interested in you unless your shirt was cut low and your jeans were skin tight. Betty preferred pastel skirts and leather jackets to cover herself up. Only making her more victim to the torturous game that North Sider, Chuck Clayton, forced her to play.A few diary enteries of psychological abuse, heartbreak and overcoming the sensation of a downward spiral.TW//a story based on psychological abuse





	You're Not Going Crazy

**_The First Deprecation_ **

                I like to imagine how it would feel; I often sleep on the thought of how life would be if he saw me the way I saw him. To me, he is more than a person but less than a love, He is the midpoint between infatuation and passion that I just can’t get over. He is the light in a bad situation. He is the burning flame atop the candle. He is the pearl shining from the bottom of the ocean.

                But worst of all, he is the migraine that won’t go away. He is the smoke that fills my lungs and leaves me breathless, needing more. He is the sickness plaguing my thoughts. He is the intense swirl of thoughts bombarding my brain and making me dizzy with fear.         

                When I close my eyes my brain runs wild, creating more hope and want in my heart which ends up being deflated by reality. I usually imagine how it would feel to fall asleep next to him and to have him in my arms. But I most like to imagine being able to call him in the middle of the night and talk to him until the early hours of the morning. Or being able to watch movies together and eat ice cream at 4am.

                But when reality does come fighting back I become completely aware that none of this would ever happen. At least, not for us.

                Everyone has someone that they can’t get away from. He is mine but I am not his. He closes his eyes to see a different person and that’s okay. I can’t force someone to love me. I can’t force someone to accept me. Everyone has someone and one day I will have a new someone; so will he. But it is never going to be each other.

                Maybe writing this down and getting most of my feelings down will create an outlet for me to close my eyes and not see him anymore. Maybe it will make my chest ache less when he ignores me for days and comes back like it’s all okay. Maybe I’ll trust him again because he will never get close enough to hurt me again. Maybe I’ll fail and end up in the same position.

                All I can do now is keep my distance and not let him get to me. Because I should never let someone make me unhappy. Especially if it’s something they cannot help. I can’t make him want to be around me or start conversations with me. It’s best if I stay away as much as possible.

**_The Endless Complaints and Threats_ **

From time to time I still wonder why I’m around you. I’ve spent so long wondering if you even wanted me here and that isn’t right. I should know if you want me or if I get boring; if someone better came along.  I felt like you were all that I had and I sacrificed so much just to be with you. You say that you want to be with me and that I’m still your number 1 but I barely see you anymore and when I do you have to leave to go someplace else with **_her._**

                I’ve spent so long wondering why I was never good enough for you and then I realised, I never will be. Someone else is always going to be better. I shouldn’t feel like me messaging you is hassling you. Everything I do, I do to make you happy. I’ve spent years infatuated with you yet you’ve probably spent years infatuated with someone else. I feel like I’m wasting my time and energy on someone who will never feel the same way I do. I’m always the one who cares more.

                Last night was the first time you’ve threatened physical abuse. I’d never gotten on my knees and begged any faster. I don’t want you to hate me; I love you.

 ** _The Refusal of a Rope_**    

He doesn’t know how to help me because, simply, he doesn’t know me.  I slave myself almost every day in trying to understand how he feels, how he reacts and what makes him tick. But he only analyses when I’m happy or excited. He never bothers in identifying my sadness or my upset. This is because he doesn’t care. However, when it comes to her; the story changes for him because, as if by some cruel act of God, he cares.

I cried to him; he lied to me. As if some cruel chain of events looping infinitely, he just kept lying. Anything and everything wasn’t good enough. I’m too clingy yet I ignore him too often. I invade his personal space yet not hugging him makes him angry. I can’t have other friends but if I don’t speak to anyone I’m trying to steal his friends. I love him and he doesn’t love me.

He will never miss me.

 

**_The First Goodbye of Four_ **

                Now it’s over and I know how much he lied, I despise him. I never want to see him again. I wish I never went back. He was the biggest mistake of my life. I want to get back to the point where I forgot his middle name and the things he used to say.

**_After the Fourth 2 nd Chance_ **

                I’m angry. I’m so angry that it’s getting to the point where explaining how angry I am just doesn’t seem to do it justice. Every time I see his face my blood boils; I get so bitter and full of hatred that it consumes me. I’ve never felt so much hate for one boy in my entire life. He is the worst person I’ve ever met or had interactions with. I’m feeling the sense of not even being able to string together words to express how I feel about him. But I’m trying and although it may be short, I feel like it’ll get a lot off of my chest. One thing I don’t say is that I’m sad.

                I’m sad because I loved him with all of my heart and he left me like I was nothing. I’m sad because I trusted him when he lied and believed every word he said. I’m sad because when he told me that he loved me, I sat back and believed it because for some damn reason I believed that he could ever love. I’m sad because even ever everything that happened he never once thought of how it’d make me feel or how he makes me feel. I’m sad because as soon as I was out of the picture, I got replaced almost instantly. I’m sad because I realised that I wasn’t anything to him, Not anything at all. The saddest part is that a piece of me still loves him because he was so much more to me than love. He was everything to me and knowing he doesn’t care for that just breaks my heart every single time.

                I can’t even look at him or have anyone say his name because I get so sad and angry at the same time and all the good memories flood back in; leaving me choking for air. All I wish is that I could go back to those times and stay there forever but it all has me wondering was it ever real? Did he ever love me? Did he ever even like me?

                To make matters worse, I don’t have closure. I’ve been waiting on the final fight and on the last words but I feel like I’m never going to get it and that haunts me. I don’t miss his lies. I don’t miss his manipulation. I don’t miss his using of me. For some reason, all I seem to be waiting on is for him to bring up one more thing that I’ve done wrong so I can finally fight back.

**_The Healing_ **

                It’s been two years since you broke my heart. I hated you so much and I still do. The burning desire to show you how much I was hurting. I used to relish nothing more than the thought of you seeing me happy and crawling back. This eventually did happen.

                Jughead Jones walked into my life and waited patiently. He didn’t force his way in and treat it as if I purposely locked the doors. He waited until I could unlock the door myself which was a while. He wanted to wait because he wanted to make me comfortable.

                Having gone from toxicity to floral bouquets and late night calling, I finally found someone who could really love me for me. No ulterior motives or gains in any selfless act he does is a huge difference in comparison to before. It wasn’t easy for me.

                I can look back now and see that I was in a toxic relationship but in the moment you have no idea because they blind you with empty promises and over used phrases. It makes you believe anything that they tell you because you trust that in the end they will still be there loving you even more than before. I couldn’t write enough CV’s or homework’s in the world to make him have even an ounce of compassion for me.

                Juggie is different, he sees me as more than a human encyclopaedia or a slave. He sees me as Betty Cooper. That’s all I’ve ever needed to be seen as by someone.

                I’m still struggling today, for a long while I stopped believing that love could ever be a thing. My whole heart was with someone else so how could even a percentage of it to anyone else? How could that be fair on them? I thought that all boys would want is sex and favours. That all my life I would only get treated badly.

                I was wrong because there are still some guys out there who want to take you for a meal or two before they kiss you and they want to bring you flowers to see your smile. Jughead is one of those guys.

                The only words Jughead spoke after he’d found out about Chuck were “You’re not going crazy.” And oddly, that was the most comforting thing I could’ve heard at that stage in my life. I thought that I was the problem; that I was doing something wrong. Jughead showed me that it wasn’t exactly what Chuck manipulated.

                 A large portion of me still feels like everything is going to turn out wrong. I know now that it’s only what has been drilled into my head because yes, things might go wrong sometimes but if we talk it through and communicate we can make anything work. And if it goes wrong and then it goes wrong but at least I got to spend this time and keep these memories with me forever.

                A relationship isn’t lying and manipulation; it’s communication and understanding. The misbelief in this day and age is sickening. I just have to remember that whatever he said to me was wrong. I am not the crazy one.


End file.
